The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Good
Patrick did GREAT on his homework today.  YIPPIE YIPPIE YIPPIE.  I bribed him with one piece of butterscotch hard candy (hey if the psychologist can bribe - so can I).

The Bad
I'm so depressed and anxious today.  I'm not fully recovered from the fight I had with D the other day.  I get so sick of people saying "well he does better for me"  or "I never have a problem with him"  and then he went on to say about how P's new psychologist was able to calm him down instantly with some psychology thing a jib.  That just set me over the edge.  I am just incredible jealous of her.  Its been a long time since I've felt this kind of jealousy.  I don't know maybe she just seems like such a mom figure to me. I don't  have one of those anymore to help me, I think you just always need your mom.  I just feel guilty I just don't feel like i'm a great mom.  and she seems like such a great one.

The Ugly
I want a new Kindle Fire, and I pre-ordered one today, its a toy i don't need, nor have the money to spare, but i ordered it.  Retail therapy?  maybe.

Middle School

We made leaps and bounds so far this school year.  The new IEP turned out exactly as I wanted it to.  I'm so happy with Patrick's new teachers.

Augustus Gloop

Lately when I look at Patrick I see Augustus Gloop.  I feel bad about it, but all he wants to do is eat.  I mean NON-STOP eat.  We have to keep the fridge and pantry locked during the day now.  I know it has a lot to do with his medicine. He crys and whines when we won' t let him eat.  Snack time is 7:30 pm. We had to listen to him beg for food starting at about 6:30.  He ate dinner at 5:30.  He cried, whined, through a temper tantrum for food.  UGH.  So frustrating.

Lead Me

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear her saying

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear them saying

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way
To lead them

Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

Last night I spent some time researching Anger. One way to redirect anger is humor. This is actually a skill I am good at. Even my Therapist tells me how great it is that I can laugh at issues in my life. Well one humor technique that was mentioned I have never tried. It's a process that would actually use two anger redirection skills, visualization and humor. The idea is to visualize the person you are angry at - as what you think the person is being... for example if you think the person is a dirt bag, think of this person as having an actual dirt bag for his body. So I have been angry at someone, really it's just hurt that I turned into anger. But from now on this person is either going to be shrek or donkey. Not sure if this person is an orge or a smart ass (lol). I think it may work, I will find out soon enough. I know my feelings are pretty stupid, but they are my feelings, and I can't seem to just Let it go.

Another thing I read yesterday about Anger that I found interesting was that anger is used as intimidation and manipulation. Patrick does use his anger this way a lot. I fall for it a lot. I fall for it because I fear his anger, I hate seeing him upset, and in public I get embarrassed by his anger, and will attempt to do anything to get it to stop, and that is giving him what he wants, and teaching him to be aggressive to get his way. I'm not sure how I can fix this. I need help with this. How can I get past the fear, the embarrassment, and the guilt I feel for him being angry? I actually saw it happen in reverse yesterday. I was reading his book to him, and when he walked out of the room doug said I hate the name Grover, replace the name with another name. I wasn't really in the mood for reading last night in the first place. So when I started reading the book to Patrick I replaced Jerry with Grover. It made Patrick upset, He said don't do that, I don't want him to be Jerry. I said okay, and I continued to read again, and said Jerry. Patrick got all mad and stormed off out of the room. After a minute or two I called him back in, and I asked him if he realized what happened.. he said No. I said I used your anger to manipulate you. I made you angry enough that you didn't even want me to read to you, and you ran off, I won, I didn't have to read to you. He smiled - he got it. I wouldn't have done that if he was in a bad mood. But it was an awesome point I made. I told him to sit down and I read to him correctly.

Now back to the reason I started this blog -
Today I would email....

Dear Donkey,
I've learned a lot about anger yesterday. I think the most important thing I learned was that anger is a normal emotion, but it's how we react to the anger that has to be learned. Some children are just born with a very low tolerance for frustration, and I believe Pat was. But children also learn to react to anger from their parents. Doug and I really need to learn to control our own anger, in order for us to help Patrick control his. Doug and I need to practice along with Patrick redirection techniques. I can't believe you actually knew the real reason I was mad. That even hurt me more, because you know why I was mad, but still you won't give me what I want. You won't tell me your reasons behind it either, and that really makes me mad. I feel like you're being a stubborn ass. So I'm mad, hurt, and also in fear of the day that you go away for good. I wish you would at least tell me if you dislike me as a person, but I do know it's none of my business how you feel about me. I wish you could at least tell me you accept my appology. What the heck do I do about not being alone with Patrick? I want to take him to church with me, and to the beach with me. There has to be something we can do about this, and I don't have a clue, not one. I really really need your help with this.

Love and Hugs,
Me

"I dont miss him, I miss who I thought he was"

"If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

"I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me- I’m going to smile."

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

Don't Cry Over Someone That Won't Cry Over You"

God Spoke to Me

I wasn't going to go to church today. I was very out of it this morning, had a very difficult time waking up. 100 mg of Trazodone is too much for me. At the last minute I felt a pull that I had to leave and go to church. It was very difficult to go, I knew it would be. I knew I needed to leave him home because of him pushing me on the 4th of July. He cried and begged me not to go, or to take him. I felt really guilty and sad leaving him home, while I took his brother with me, it just didn't' same very fair. But I knew I just had to go. As I sat in the pew feeling all alone, because the last month or so I have been taking Patrick with me. I just felt so alone and sad. Church started and the band sang two of my favorite christian songs, which really brought me up. Then it was time to greet each other, and I had so many people walk over to me and shake my hand and welcome me, and tell me good morning, I didn't feel so alone anymore. The pastor started with his sermon, and said he prayed to God asking what to preach about today, and he said God spoke to him and told him that some of his congregation needs to hear psalm 46 1-3. It was amazing it was me. I needed to hear psalm 46. GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND STRENGTH. A VERY PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE. Pastor Wes was talking about how all people find there self at some point in there life not being able to cope with there troubles. and they turn to some person and try to cling onto that person, because they believe that is the only person that can help them with their problems. And when that person fails to provide us the information that solves all of our problems, we get angry and frustrated with that person. I have that person in my life. I have someone in my life that I think can solve ALL my problems, and I have clinged to this person with all my life. I am becoming a burden to this person, and when he doesn't provide me with the information that I thought he had in him, I get very mad at him, and I swear at him, and get very frustrated. Then i get mad at myself that I keep bugging this person, and mad at myself for lashing out, and begging for help. The pastor said GOD is the only one that can provide us with the help for our troubles, and help us find the strength within ourselves. I went to the altar after church and told God thank you for speaking to me today, and told him I hear him, and prayed for help in letting the person I'm clinged to go. I need to let him go. I also prayed that God could provide Patricks psychiatrist with the answers regarding Pat's meds.

I was told that writing a journal may help me sort out everything in my head. So here I go one more attempt at Blogging. What is a parent suppose to feel when their son falsely accuses them of Strangling and throwing him against a wall. He is recorded at school on tape describing into detail how his father did this to him, to a CPS worker. I believe without any doubt my husband did not do this. I am told that my child is emotionally at a three year old level, and I can’t take anything he says as a personal attack. Yesterday I took it personal. For a few hours of my life I was so MAD at my child, wondering what a psychotic person he must be to do this to the people that love him the most. Today I feel like I’m the worst mother on this earth, because for a few hours I lost the unconditional love I should have for my son. I am so scared that God trusted this special child that needs so much love to the wrong person.


A poem “I am Ethan” by Kelly Graham – that reminds me a little of who Patrick is.

You may not understand me, or the way I feel today.
You may not understand my reasoning for things I do or say.
The reasons why I'm so loud and say things over & over again,
Why I run so differently or lose my homework every now & then.
I write my letters backwards and sometimes numbers too,
and when in a conversation, I'll say "Guess what" 100 times to you.
Too much noise, light, or excitement can set me in a spin.
I don't like the way these pants feel rubbing against my skin.
I try to be good, but sometimes it's hard to control,
I have to do it, it's an impulse, I don't always do what I'm told.
Ketchup, Ranch and BBQ sauce on everything I eat,
sometimes I have days that I just can't sit still in my seat.
I like to talk a lot even when it's out of turn,
my mind plays tricks on me and interrupts what I'm trying to learn.
Sit up straight, wipe my face, and play ever so soft,
some of these things I have trouble with and I usually lose my train of thought.
I didn't mean to spill the milk mom, or slam the door so hard,
everyone else is done with their homework, I don't know where to start?
My heart's as big as gold, my feelings get hurt too,
I get sad, cry and have bad days just like you.
My brain works differently than other girls and boys,
but one thing always holds true, I can give your life so much joy.
I get frustrated so easily and my hand won't work that way,
I don't understand why those other kids won't let me come over and play.
Please don't think of me any differently or love of me any less,
I'm just like other kids and trying to do my best.
I am very special in my own unique way, and every moment with me
you'll never have a dull day.



Dear Jesus,
Please give me the courage and strength I need to provide my son the best possible support he needs to grow into the person you want him to be. Help me to always give him the unconditional love he deserves.